Damn! My current life story
Ello to anyone out there that miraculously fumbles upon this blog. I'm still an amateur so I've decided that I'm gonna take it slow and easy haha~ Well, since time is on my side right now, I guess it should be alright to dedicate some time on blogging. I LOVE LONG POSTS!
17 years old~ For some, it seems like a short time. For me, IT IS SHORT! 17 years of my life has whizzed past at such speed that my sloppy memory can't even remember what happened in the previous few months. It's rather sad to see my youth days past by so fast without me doing anything especially significant. In truth, I actually felt like I've wasted my youth! People say, the moment you turn 18, you are considered an adult, a young adult actually. The burdens of domestic life would start to come into your life. As a young adult, the amount of responsibility we carry increases by many folds and now, a single mistake would be bad... Real bad... Yet, I still want to be 18... That's queer ain't it? Actually it isn't at all, I was just kidding. So many young people, teens and kids, out there want to be an adult! It's normal! Why would I wanna be an adult? O.o Well, I wanna an adult because... I want to be able to do things without my parent's consent. Not because I'm a defiant kid though... It's because I don't want them to worry. I have 2 very loving parents, both who knew about my sexuality(kinda), and they still continue to treat me so nicely.
My Plans~
At 18 years old, I would like to start introducing myself to people with pride in my sexuality. I don't mean, "Hey, nice to meet you! I'm gay!" or like "Hey, I suck balls! Nice to meetya!"... That's awkward...
At 18 years old, I would want to be involved in the LGBT community in Singapore, at least. I don't want to be just another ordinary guy that sticks within his confined community circle. I would love to interact with people like me(sexuality) or straight allies and hear their stories and stands. I want to be a part of the society!
At 18 years old, I want to be an active volunteer worker. I was actually supposed to be looking for volunteer service now but I'm currently abit lazy and also trying to build up my mental health. NOT AN EXCUSE!(it is actually, AKA procrastination)
At 18 years old, I want to be confident as who I am, stepping out to interact with people instead of being passive like I have always been for the entire of my 17 years of life.
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November
Right now, I am sitting at home, doing nothing but watching videos, looking through facebook, reading up on random news, playing games with my friends and waiting for each day to pass by. I'm currently just living an artificial lifestyle, one that is just wasting my time. I'm waiting... For someone to ask me to find work together haha... I am just too... prideful? And lazy? I guess so...
January~ February
Oh dang... I forget to state why am I just sitting around each day. That's because... I filed for deferment from my poly course haha... This year was such an eventful year. Earlier at the start of the year, I started to work in a cake shop(kinda~) where me, WL, WR, MY(my friends) worked together with many other guys. We actually filed in for packaging work but the lady boss, apparently had her own ideas and so me and MY(guy) got pulled downstairs to help out with the making of cookies and tarts. At first I thought it was fun but... (To be continued...)
February~March
I got an invitation for the IIS scholarship for having a good result from the "O" levels(it wasn't that great actually... 9 pointers for poly admission after deduction), which would have been good if I actually stayed and did well in my course. After being unwittingly pulled into apply for the scholarship, I had to attend 2 sessions of workshop on "How to apply for the IIS scholarship" by my school. After writing out 4 essays for my interview application form, I was subsequently chosen to take part in Round 1 of the scholarship selection. Round 1 was a round consisting of approximately 20 people, with 5 people in each team. We are supposed to work together as a team which were all strangers to each other and come up with a presentation to present to our interviewers. I made it pass that round~ Round 2 was a 1 on 3/4 interview where I was asked about my plans and goals which I amazingly got pass as well. Right before signing the deed, I came to realize that I wasn't confident that I wanted my future to be planned out and decided to drop the scholarship, after many weeks wasted entirely on preparing for the scholarship. Caused some emotional tension within myself as well as my parents and aunts.
April
School finally started! It was fun at first but with each passing week, I got more and more depressed because I couldn't cope with the syllabus which was actually 60% drawing, 20% language, 10% programming and 10% of misc future development thingies(THIS IS A WORD???? :OOOOOO)
May
I went further into a state of emotional decline. Became more agitated by myself. Started to think more negative stuffs. I begin to procrastinate at every single homework and assignment. By mid of May I was suicidal. There was two weeks in May whereby I was just so down and out, I felt a horrid feeling pulse through my body. It was as if Darkness flooded through each vein and vessel. I felt heavy, depressed, horrible. And it ain't anything anyone can understand. Things like this, you may understand it on the surface but unless you truly go through it, you ain't able to fully understand that feeling. Was so bad. So so so bad :(
June
While I waged an internal war, a part of me, broke through the shroud of darkness and made me seek for treatment, all by myself. I engaged the school counsellor, got an appointment for a mental health checkup and got an appointment at a private psychiatrist. I started eating Lexapro as an anti-depressant or something along that line. I was still down throughout.
Came June 30th, the day that changed my life, kinda~
PINKDOT SG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jas, one of my bestees brought me to the PinkdotSG. For those of you that doesn't know what is it about, PinkdotSG is an LGBT event whereby there is a gathering for people to support each other and show each other their love and care towards the LGBT community. There were many straight people there too, showing their support to the community! I was still a closet then, so I just stared at those openly gay people who were with their loved ones with jealously. And it was splendid. The event was an eye opener for me. Pardon me, I used to discriminate against transexual, but after that event, I realised that THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM AT ALL! They were just people who felt more confident in being what they truly want to be! It was then that I wanted to smack myself for being an immature brat who was guilty of discrimination. Anw, while at the event, I saw a cute and cool couple, two young men making their way into the group of people. As a gay hormonal guy, I can't help but look at that two hotties as they found a place for themselves and set up a picnic mat. They sat together, hugged each other, provided joy to each other and later on kissed! And then, "We found love in a hopeless place" line came out from the DJ and woah... I WAS JEALOUS!!!! But touched... It showed me that with determination, hope and will, love WILL and CAN take form anywhere. It was then, I decided, lets do it man! I'm a guy! Why be a pussy!(Pardon me, pussy here is used as a substitute for coward, please DONT be offended >.<) So, it was then that I started an internal war on my sexuality, I won the war and have came out to my dad and eventually(and unfortunately) my mum.
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I guess, I'll just stop here. Whoever that managed to persevere so far, I commend you :D You are truly awesome!
PS: Please do NOT be offended by anything stated here, I am just stating my life and thoughts and do NOT mean to be offensive to anyone in anyway. I am sorry if I had offended you in any way. If offended, leave a message at the bottom and I will consider if there is a need to take down this blog post. Thanks!
~I~~L~O~V~E~~~C~~U ~~R~~L~~Y~~~L~~~I~~~N~~~E~~~S~~~~~<3~~~~<3~~~<3~~~~~
