Tittle? Not in the mood to.
Bloody hell. I'm so bloody pissed with my procrastination. It's keeping me from moving forward. Right now, I'm just rotting away while the rest of the world drives pass me and I'm just opening myself to be judged by others. Judging me, judging how I look, how useless am I, how lazy am I, how much of a loser I am. I agree though, its rather true actually. I really don't understand how to keep myself from deteriorating any further. Words doesn't do shit to me actually. They aren't able to motivate me. Maybe for a short moment. But I'm rarely able to move my ass to do something that is meaningful unless I find myself with the will to do so. My driving force is within myself. It's a feeling, an urge that pushes me to stop whatever I am doing at the moment and go ahead with what I feel like I need to do. It's a feeling much like an artist suddenly having an inspiration on his next wonderful artwork. Right now, I'm like an artist that is pretty much rusty. His paint is dry, his pallet is dirty. He ran out of paper and he has no money. He is unable to buy what he needs and he just sits at home and dream. Even his pencil is broken. Right now, I need to find a source of motivation within myself to get myself back up on my feet. Pressure isn't gonna help me out at all. Neither is a scolding or a slapping. I am like the wind, I come as I like, I go where I want(lets not look at how pressure affects the direction of the wind).
Right now, yes, I have to admit, I'm guilty of doing nothing, wasting days of my life away while I sit at home infront of the computer. Yes, I gotta admit that I should be out in the society, working my ass off during the holidays. But I also have to admit that my mental stability ain't well enough to take on the challenges of working. Do you know the amount of pressure within myself that is inflicting damage on myself? I feel like a puny idiot who is worthless. All talk and zero action. I realized that I shut myself away from the outside world, I don't try to stay in contact with my friends. Friends? I don't even have much friends to begin with. While I'm in a passive state, I'm an introvert. Yes, its true that I can be fun to hang out with when I'm happy and cheery but screw it. I can't control my emotions and moods. Sometimes, I feel like I'm rather bipolar in terms of mood. I've been trying to keep myself happy, to keep myself relaxed. It worked. Till the moment I get agitated or start to think about entering back to reality. The reality whereby we are just an ant, a disposable economic ant that is growing up so that we can serve our nest. Yes, I feel like a pawn living here. Wait, I feel like a pawn just by living. Why so?
Cause I'm useless and have no money. I don't even care about money. I don't even have much motivation to live in fact.
The reason why I am still alive right now is because of the fact that I have a strong conscience. That's my only forte I guess. A strong conscience. When I get a feeling that I need to do something, something right, I'll not be able to overcome that need. I'll end up doing that thing right on the spot. Be it to help people out or to do my part as a family member regarding housework, I'll do it willingly. But I hate this conscience. It prevented me from leaving. It anchors me down when I want to walk out of this word, a world that I hate. It tells me that I shouldn't leave the world because of the heart break my parent's and family members would get. And I hate it. And it creates my other side, this evil ego that resides within me. Evil.
I sound dramatic right now, but its true. I am guilty of thoughts. Thoughts that are so evil. Thoughts of innocent people dying in my head while I walk on the street. Thoughts of killing people. Thoughts of killing my parents so that I am left unburden. Thoughts so evil and immoral. And I'm guilty of it. I'm guilty of having this evil kept inside me. There are religious people who said to me before, "Homosexuality is caused by the Devil". Maybe I have a part of evil from the Devil. Maybe that's why I'm gay. Maybe... Maybe I'm just a crazy time bomb that's bound to explode one day and should be kept in an asylum. I bet whoever reads this would have been outraged and disgusted by my guilty thoughts. I must also emphasize, my parent's are nice people. Yes, my parents are nice people and I HAVE THE AUDACITY TO EVEN THINK ABOUT KILLNG THEM. Wei Chin. You are such a letdown and a disgrace.
When I was depressed, I let my crazy side out. I smiled like the joker, with the maniacal stare. I smile while I cry, I laugh while I sob. I feel chills coming around my body. I feel a surge of energy. And its scary. It freaks me out. It's not like a split personality comes out. It's still me, Its still WC. Just a different side of me, thats all. Just a different side, the side that should never see light. The one that feels high while touching a knife. This is me. Can you embrace it?
I'm probably gonna get into trouble for posting this. I still wanna believe that deep down, this evil is a phase, an escape from my trouble. That I am good, I ain't useless, I deserve a chance and a place in this world and I have a future and the right to love. That I was born gay for a reason. That I can find joy and motivation to live.
I cried yesterday night. My mum was asking me to find a course to take part in since I was not doing anything. So I wanted to find baking courses. I got pissed that the courses available weren't the one I was looking for and the page keeps jamming up and I've to reload the entire page every time I pressed the Next Page button. I felt stupid. I felt useless. Dumb. Worthless. And I know that I can't let myself be overwhelmed. As I cried softly against my pillow, I could start to feel the devilish grin coming in. I held it back. I wanted to just give in to that side and let it control my thoughts. But I held it back. I suppressed that side of me. In the end, I'm just a lost child, a person trying to find his light in the night. A key to the start the engine, the engine that marks the start of being me. Of doing things for my own sake, for my future. I need the key. I need something. And I'm gonna find it before I go to work.
~This is me, the depressed side of me.
~Wei Chin
