The burden of the past: The first step
My first and unreciprocated love and the destruction left in it's wake.
Hey, I'm not even sure if you ever go on to facebook but there's just something I like to talk to you about. It's more like a confession/apology. Let me start from the beginning.
So at Secondary 3, I was amazed at how fast we managed to click. You were always talking about those random shits and at first I didn't trust you. Slowly, as time progressed, we hang out more, did more stuff together, ate together and things like that. And I got closer to you. Then I started to feel more secure about you. Yet there was something that didn't feel right. I felt that you were insecure. You never talk about yourself, your life, your goals and your family. As time progressed further, you became my best friend and best buddy. And I value best friends, especially guy friendship a lot. That's because I'm not like the other normal guys, I'm not as proactive them, I'm more gentler and probably more serious. I can't click with them.
So things were going well between us, then it was when I decided to tell you about my sexuality, which at that time, I was very very insecure about. You could see me getting nervous each time ZY asked if I was gay or things like that. Thanks for not revealing back then. The issue started with this, not sure if you remembered.
When I told you I was gay, there was one thing I promised you. "Never fall for you." At that time, I was like, "Geezzzz.... Why the hell would I fall for you, I mean you are like my best friends and things."
But as I continued to hang around you, something within me changed. It was, if you call it, natural. I didn't even realize it. I started becoming more possessive. When ZY came into the picture and started hanging around you even more, it got worse. I was plain jealous. Jealous that you guys are spending so much time together. Jealous that my best friends was getting stolen. Little did I know that I had already fell for you. Slowly, I begun to realize what was happening. It got quite bad, to the extend that I got distracted and my emotions were running wild. I couldn't get rid of the feelings. I wanted to get closer to you and you know, become possessive. I knew it wasn't right. It was totally wrong. It was a forbidden fruit that was never meant to be within my reach. Falling for a straight guy is bad. Falling for your best friend, even worse. And I can say, it wasn't just plain crushes. It was strong. That was when I started spiraling out of control. I decided, dumbly and foolishly, to keep myself away, hoping that by staying clear of you for a while, it would make things better. It didn't. It got worse. Far worse. Hence, I did something even worse. I forced myself into hating you. Believing that by channeling all the negative energy into a reason to not be near you, I would be able to get away from you. It was selfish. But I was a coward. I didn't dare to face you. I started to withdraw myself away from you, and I know that you noticed it. Even my friends, Jas and Wanling were chiding me for being a jerk and leaving you alone and ignoring you. But I was in such pain. The amount of negative emotions I harnessed at that period of time, the amount of anger and frustration was the greatest I've ever felt in my life. And it never subsided. Everyone noticed that SR and WC weren't hanging out together, no one asked why. I heard that you were abit lonely too. I'm really sorry. If you forgotten about it, just listen to what I gotta say.
I fell for you, I made a mistake. I couldn't stop myself so I withdrew from my desires. I went crazy. I sunk into a depression during that time and you know what, it never end there. After O's, I was still thinking of you, subconsciously. I know this is freaky to hear but it's the truth. I started to regret. All my best guy friendships NEVER lasted for more than 2 year. It happened again, not because it was my friend's fault. This time, I single-handedly destroyed it because of my selfishness and i didn't even manage to get a goodbye nor a proper explanation to you. And yes, even a year after the incident, my mind was still on you and on the foolishness of my actions. Time managed to heal me. I got over you. That was mid of last year. I paid the price for my feelings and actions. I lost a best friend. I got into depression. Clinical depression btw. I withdrew from myself. Had many horrible nightmares that chided my actions. And also an extremely strong guilt and regret embedded into my life and memory. I just wanna sincerely apologize to you for all the things that I may have caused to you. Even if there wasn't, I just want you to know I'm sorry for being such a jerk and a lousy friend. I'll be glad if you could reply but dun worry too much. Also, if you wanna scold me or something, feel free to. I really need to let go of this and move on. And only by addressing the issue I ran away from 2 years ago, can I be able to move on. Thanks for spending time to read this. Also, good luck in your future endeavor. It was really nice having you as a friend. A best friend.
From: Wei Chin, the coward who left things unsaid.
