The countdown, restarts again~

The horrific realization that since secondary two, I've been sinking into major depression at each mid year.
Sec 2: The Stabbing Love Triangle
Sec 3: The Math teacher from Hell
Sec 4: The Love Sin
Post Sec 4: The Inner Demon
Now: The Guilt and the Demon ?
It's fast approaching...
Guilt of everything, every small thing, is eating into me since weeks ago. I'm just lying to myself that it's ok, because in the end, I am NEVER ok. Been proven wrong too many times. Each time I think I'm stronger, I sink back in deeper.
Every single thing. Each wrong word I say, cuts back into my heart with twice the pain. Each stupid thing I do stabs me with twice the force.

I've been feeling so guilty. I don't dare to have fun with my classmates cause I'm too scared. I don't dare to mix with them because they're too nice. Perhaps I feel that I'm too unworthy of them. Perhaps I ain't giving myself a chance.

Do you even understand how scary it feels to have an anxiety/panic attack? The fear is so strong. You'll feel suspicious of your surroundings, you'll feel fear.
The fear doesn't seem to fade even though you know there's no reason to be afraid. It harps on your chest and mind like a shroud of darkness wrapping the night.
YOU THINK IT'S JUST, STAY STRONG, LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, DUN WORRY SO MUCH, IT'S OK.
YOU THINK IT'S SO FUCKING SIMPLE? TRY BEING THE ONE WITH ANXIETY. The one that hallucinates a second life each morning. The one that suffers from nightmares and dreams that are totally realistic. Feel the pain, the emotions in your dreams.

So what if I have a good family?
So what if everyone loves me?
I'm the issue, the problem. I can have everything, but I just wanna destroy myself.
It's such a vicious cycle I can't stop...
You think it's not painful for me?

I feel the smile coming out again recently.
I feel it seeping out.
I know it's a self-defense mechanism.
But when "he" comes out, it's just plain sickening.
Every time "he" comes out, "he" wants to see pain.
"he" wants to feel pain. To fuel that Maniac Drive.
So easy, to give in to the sadistic flow.
So easy...

So tempting.

Realized how they who I see each week don't even bother taking notice of me. Perhaps they realized how emo and pathetic this dude is. How cold I can get. How much negative energy surrounds me. So much so that even though I'm feeling much more cheerful than before, they still ignore my presence haha... But I got over it already. I've already accepted that me and them just wouldn't have anything in common.

Then I realized, at home, I'm a nuisance to my dad haha... I talk to him so much that he basically tunes out much of the things I tell him.

In the end, I realized that, I'm so much of a perfectionist that I can't live by my own standard. I'm not willing to accept rejection. Instead of being rejected directly, I rather let myself do the rejection so as to "protect" myself. Keep some fucking useless pride and make believe that I'm fine.

I already know what my dream is telling me. It's exactly what my conscience is telling me. I'm just not doing it.

"Cherish your friends and your loved ones, before they disappear."

I only know that what I'm doing now is that I'm building my own demise and my own grave. I'm gathering all the negative energy and storing them up, just like all those times before. I'm gonna erupt in a violent display of fireworks. I'm already been doing what I do best, Shutting people who I care about and who care about me off. I've been subconsciously drifting away and away from everyone who cares. The countdown has already starting ticking. Time to see if the bomb would be defused in time.

Good luck to you, may you stay strong enough to fight against the blinding darkness of despair and self-destruction.








If you die, you deserve it.

Let the sleep envelope me.