Disclaimer: The following will include:
1) Rants
2) Values
3) My life
4) Negativity
If any of the following irritates you, please stop yourself from moving on with this post.
Also, this post has an approximate word count of 1.8 k words, approach with caution and lay off with any judgements, thank you.
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~ WC was here on 21/10/13 ~
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~ WC was here on 21/10/13 ~
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21/10/2013: Thursday, 20:48,
Sitting down in front of my computer, with my heart drifting away towards the abyss in my heart, I just seem to be helpless against the dark pull of the void present on my chest. It has been plaguing me for the past one to two weeks, almost every single night in fact. I admit to being very easily agitated as well as feeling horrid in terms of mood. I am still on my medication which is Lexapro, an anti-depressant.
School started last Wednesday and I started with a new resolve. Obtaining a GPA of 2.72 was pretty horrible though deep down I know I deserved it. In fact, I think I deserved to get much lower. For the first semester, I have always been a sloth, not handing in many of my economics tutorial, not studying for my Food & Event Management module as well as never paying attention in tutorials and lectures. Accounting was also another module that I did not put in enough effort, at least not till the end.
Despite being in poly for almost a whole semester last year before dropping out due to my inability to cope with both my studies and my internal struggles, I still did not learn my lesson. It is pretty funny that many of us, including my friends, all came in to poly with a very laid back and relaxed mindset and it sure became our bane. Accounting.. A subject that I never studied before, was one that my brains. Being a sissy-phobe, I became even more unmotivated with the module as the teacher would be swinging around like a tornado made of jelly. It didn't really make things better that he talks as if he was singing. However, I came to realize how big of a sissy-phobe I was and I felt bad. With this said, I am sorry for every insult I have said to the teacher. He is actually a pretty nice teacher.
With the release of the results, I came to realize that:
1) I am not going to make it to anywhere with this result.
2) This course is HARD.
3) I need to work HARDER.
Henceforth, I told myself that this term onwards, I will change. I will be different. I will be a studious kid and be proactive in my learning.
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Before continuing, I feel like bringing up some things that my grand-aunt told me. Visiting her for the second time since this year even though her house is merely 5 blocks away, her hair was now growing white. It had been that way but this was the first time I saw her like that. She said that the fact that she is growing older and older each year is impossible to hide away from, might as well embrace her own body for what it is. She decided that, she no longer wish to dye her hair black. Let it grow white, be natural. For that, I really have to applaud her. Then as we continued our conversation, she showed me pictures of her younger son, my uncle who has migrated to Australia with his lovely and very beautiful wife and two boys, Aaron and Ashton, 4 years old and 9 months respectively. She then told me stories about how the elder one was being so cheeky despite being sick. I praised the kids for being so smart and my grandaunt told me, "You are then the smart and alert one."
She began to tell me all the little things I would do when I was very young. All those things that she said, really made me believe that, "Hey, I ain't really that bad as a child after all."
She also kept emphasizing, "You know, if there is anyone who can do it, then it's you. You are a bright and nice child. Life is harsh and we got to move on, look forward, don't stress ourselves up too much. This is life and you are still young, with so much more ahead. I believe in my Wei Xun."
Yeap, that's my grandaunt right there, forever supportive of me, forever concerned bout me despite not being her actual grandchild. And she even shared with me values that she consider the most important as a human. In her younger days, she was given a choice to either stand up for the countless colleagues that she worked with who were retrenched, whom she promised to fight for their working rights versus a more selfish one whereby she would be rewarded with a bright and promising future at the expense of others.
"I would not be as stupid as how I am now if I had chosen the latter. But would I be at ease for my whole life if I chose that? My decision made me experience the wrath of standing up against evil. Things like being very poor and [things that are not appropriate to share]. I understand how it feels to be poor, how it feels to be unprivileged. But people have to go through such lessons in life, so take it easy. When I was young, I always believed in fighting for what I feel is right and just. Even if it offends the whole world. But if I see the meaning to your reasoning and that I am wrong, I will willingly apologize."
These are all values that I took home with me that day.
Well, it's getting long... and it's not that I don't want to talk about my grandpa but I'll leave that for another time since there is so much I want to share today.
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After my session with my grandaunt, I was even more determined to strive harder. Being in such a competitive country, being born in a family that loves me so much, gives me more reason for accomplishing what I am worth and able to accomplish.
I know I have the ability. This is not self-praising. I know that I am at least above average in terms of IQ and EQ but I can humbly say that I am not a star nor the cream of the crop. I am just slightly above average, and that's why I stand.
I know my weaknesses. In fact, I have so much weaknesses that it makes me so, so imperfect.
Phobias, I have loads of them. One of which that has been constantly plaguing me for the past few months is my social life. It is funny to see how my social circle is transitioning slowly. At the start of the year, I had so much online friends. So much happenings happening online that I look forward so much each day to get on to my computer to chat with three to five people at the same time. Those times...
Then... Things started to change somehow. People moved on with their lives, so did I. Our path that initially crossed has now come to a split road and one by one, they all drifted further and further away from me. Lonely... That's what began to overwhelm me. It started off mild, creeping in over time and eventually forming a heavy cloud of shadows circling my chest, swarming around and creating such a negative effect on me that it became physical. As of now, my virtual life is almost close to non-existent. Facebook, something that I used to receive much attention from, now became quiet as a cemetery. No longer people say hi, nor do I bother to do so. Why? Because it always starts with a hi and forms an awkward silence right after the next few lines. It feels horrible. It really does. Then, even on the gaming platform, it's starting to become deadly quiet too. Online gaming buddies are now with their own friends. In fact, I no longer feel joy while gaming, perhaps only once in a while. In real life, the most precious friends I have are all busy. Busy with studies and also leading their lives. Once again, lonely is the word.
Loneliness hurts.
It really does.
It hurts so bad that there are tears flowing underneath, in me. Tears that can't come out.
Pain from the inside that you wish to release but just can't.
Why can't I cry?
Why am I so weak that I can't even cry?
This weakness is making it so unbearable. So miserable.
It made me desperate. I needed to feel pain, physical pain, to force the emotions out of my body. To give myself, my body a reason to cry. But I won't do it. I promised people and myself never to harm nor think of harming myself.
It burns.
Then...
My body. I hate it so much. I am ugly. Ugly in all physical ways. I hate to see myself in the mirror when I am outside. It makes me feel so, vulnerable, exposed, naked, disgusting. I am fat, unfit(physical and mental) nor good looking.
Without this body, perhaps with a lean body, I would and might have been so much more different. If I can get my body into a better shape, I would be such a confident speaker. In fact, I am a pretty loud speaker as of now. This need for a good impression and image is killing me, slice by slice from the inside.
Why do I have hots over hot guys?
1) I am horny
2) I am gay
3) I am jealous.
Each time I walk past a hot guy, there are a few things in my head.
1) He is so freaking hot.
2) If only I knew someone so hot
3) If only my BF would be so hot
4) If only I am hot
Guess what? 4) is the killer. Each time a hot guy appears, my confidence level drops by folds. Why am I like this?
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Know what... It's now 22:10. I've sat here for roughly one and a half hours typing out my feelings and I am not even near done. So much things brewing in me... Even if I post it on facebook, who would read this? A boring long story about a fat kid who is trying to change. A kid who is stuck in the circle of negativity. A kid who is so insecure about him and everything and everyone around him. Perhaps, I do need a hug. Perhaps, it's time to cry. Perhaps, both might not happen.
Ending it here for now. Diary #2 would be coming up real soon if I am free.
Gratx for making it so far. Amazing that I can write something so long. I am really impressed by myself.
And the fact that I was supposed to be doing recapping of today's lessons, I guess that will be stored for another day. Venting out some of my emotions on this platform really does help.
Also... Thanks to one special bro, L, who up to now still bothers to keep in touch with this negative being. Thank you so so much... <3 in the most no-homo way. Really...
She also kept emphasizing, "You know, if there is anyone who can do it, then it's you. You are a bright and nice child. Life is harsh and we got to move on, look forward, don't stress ourselves up too much. This is life and you are still young, with so much more ahead. I believe in my Wei Xun."
Yeap, that's my grandaunt right there, forever supportive of me, forever concerned bout me despite not being her actual grandchild. And she even shared with me values that she consider the most important as a human. In her younger days, she was given a choice to either stand up for the countless colleagues that she worked with who were retrenched, whom she promised to fight for their working rights versus a more selfish one whereby she would be rewarded with a bright and promising future at the expense of others.
"I would not be as stupid as how I am now if I had chosen the latter. But would I be at ease for my whole life if I chose that? My decision made me experience the wrath of standing up against evil. Things like being very poor and [things that are not appropriate to share]. I understand how it feels to be poor, how it feels to be unprivileged. But people have to go through such lessons in life, so take it easy. When I was young, I always believed in fighting for what I feel is right and just. Even if it offends the whole world. But if I see the meaning to your reasoning and that I am wrong, I will willingly apologize."
These are all values that I took home with me that day.
Well, it's getting long... and it's not that I don't want to talk about my grandpa but I'll leave that for another time since there is so much I want to share today.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After my session with my grandaunt, I was even more determined to strive harder. Being in such a competitive country, being born in a family that loves me so much, gives me more reason for accomplishing what I am worth and able to accomplish.
I know I have the ability. This is not self-praising. I know that I am at least above average in terms of IQ and EQ but I can humbly say that I am not a star nor the cream of the crop. I am just slightly above average, and that's why I stand.
I know my weaknesses. In fact, I have so much weaknesses that it makes me so, so imperfect.
Phobias, I have loads of them. One of which that has been constantly plaguing me for the past few months is my social life. It is funny to see how my social circle is transitioning slowly. At the start of the year, I had so much online friends. So much happenings happening online that I look forward so much each day to get on to my computer to chat with three to five people at the same time. Those times...
Then... Things started to change somehow. People moved on with their lives, so did I. Our path that initially crossed has now come to a split road and one by one, they all drifted further and further away from me. Lonely... That's what began to overwhelm me. It started off mild, creeping in over time and eventually forming a heavy cloud of shadows circling my chest, swarming around and creating such a negative effect on me that it became physical. As of now, my virtual life is almost close to non-existent. Facebook, something that I used to receive much attention from, now became quiet as a cemetery. No longer people say hi, nor do I bother to do so. Why? Because it always starts with a hi and forms an awkward silence right after the next few lines. It feels horrible. It really does. Then, even on the gaming platform, it's starting to become deadly quiet too. Online gaming buddies are now with their own friends. In fact, I no longer feel joy while gaming, perhaps only once in a while. In real life, the most precious friends I have are all busy. Busy with studies and also leading their lives. Once again, lonely is the word.
Loneliness hurts.
It really does.
It hurts so bad that there are tears flowing underneath, in me. Tears that can't come out.
Pain from the inside that you wish to release but just can't.
Why can't I cry?
Why am I so weak that I can't even cry?
This weakness is making it so unbearable. So miserable.
It made me desperate. I needed to feel pain, physical pain, to force the emotions out of my body. To give myself, my body a reason to cry. But I won't do it. I promised people and myself never to harm nor think of harming myself.
It burns.
Then...
My body. I hate it so much. I am ugly. Ugly in all physical ways. I hate to see myself in the mirror when I am outside. It makes me feel so, vulnerable, exposed, naked, disgusting. I am fat, unfit(physical and mental) nor good looking.
Without this body, perhaps with a lean body, I would and might have been so much more different. If I can get my body into a better shape, I would be such a confident speaker. In fact, I am a pretty loud speaker as of now. This need for a good impression and image is killing me, slice by slice from the inside.
Why do I have hots over hot guys?
1) I am horny
2) I am gay
3) I am jealous.
Each time I walk past a hot guy, there are a few things in my head.
1) He is so freaking hot.
2) If only I knew someone so hot
3) If only my BF would be so hot
4) If only I am hot
Guess what? 4) is the killer. Each time a hot guy appears, my confidence level drops by folds. Why am I like this?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Know what... It's now 22:10. I've sat here for roughly one and a half hours typing out my feelings and I am not even near done. So much things brewing in me... Even if I post it on facebook, who would read this? A boring long story about a fat kid who is trying to change. A kid who is stuck in the circle of negativity. A kid who is so insecure about him and everything and everyone around him. Perhaps, I do need a hug. Perhaps, it's time to cry. Perhaps, both might not happen.
Ending it here for now. Diary #2 would be coming up real soon if I am free.
Gratx for making it so far. Amazing that I can write something so long. I am really impressed by myself.
And the fact that I was supposed to be doing recapping of today's lessons, I guess that will be stored for another day. Venting out some of my emotions on this platform really does help.
Also... Thanks to one special bro, L, who up to now still bothers to keep in touch with this negative being. Thank you so so much... <3 in the most no-homo way. Really...
