Lessons in life~ Blog post 1: Number 1~4

Lesson learnt 1:
When your bike squeaks and creaks while travelling through the suburban neighbourhoods in the middle of the night, you may feel like a hindrance to the world, but on the highway filled with cars, you'll find solace in your plight for the sounds of the highway embraces your weakness and encourage you to strive on. 

Lesson learnt 2:
People start off as a debt and a liability. When you go prematurely, what happens? Negative scars will override your positive impacts. In cases like the late Nelson Mandela, he was remembered for not his stains but his colours on the world. 
We need not be like him, achieving recognition on a global scale. Just work on your surroundings. 
Lesson Learnt 3:
Contentedness is one of the hardest virtues in which a human can learn so as to achieve happiness.


Lesson Learnt 4:

Death is at the end of all journey. Yet the fear is not death is itself, but more towards the sudden nature of death which always seem to prematurely end one's dreams. But to live a life that fears sudden death, then it is not living but merely a calender that dates itself day by day, second by second. 

A person walking on a straight line can choose where he wants to look:

To look a few metres ahead, he would probably see where the holes on the floor are.

To look kilometers away, all he would see would be faint linings and perhaps infinity, which is unpredictable and unimaginable.

To look at only at his sides, he would be able to spot the oncoming cars, but not the man heading directly towards him.

To look backwards, he'll only see the prints of his shoes, a mere and consistent reminder that he is stuck in the past.

To look up in the skies, he'll be able to dream of the wonders and mysteries the world hold, but never able to touch the them.

To look at his feet, he'll realize how heavy his foot steps are and how dirty his shoes are but never to realize that he had left behind foot prints behind him which brought a change and an impact on the very earth he walked on.

To look in all directions, he'll end up feeling insecure, for the dangers, the mysteries, the wonders, the infinity, the past and his progress will overwhelm him. Fear overwhelming him, he'll close his eyes and stop.

As the person stands perfectly still, eyes closed and mind racing, his heart continues to beat. As progress halts, the world still continue its cycle.

Thoughts began to race through him even faster.

What would his next move be?
Death by walking towards the traffic?
Retrace his foot steps and return to where was safe?
To move forward with a different goal and perspective towards his journey?
Or stop completely, shutting himself and roosting down while the world struts on.

Choices. You move your legs and you bring yourself there. Yet no matter how hard you run, how hard you look out for the incoming traffic, no matter what, death is always coming for you.

Decades, years, months, weeks, days and seconds. It's counting down and the timer may change at any moment. To walk forth, you'll be exposed to more forms of dangers yet your journey will never stop becoming more and more interesting. To stand still, waiting in your own little world, you'll eventually run out of food and you either have to go out to hunt for your own resources or die a deprived soul.

And eventually, when you die, the flowers shall bloom and wither just the same. The wind will blow and howl in the night. Tears will flow and pain will flood the living. Yet at the end of each journey bring forth a new start, a push, a pause and an end.

Perhaps this is one of the most interesting thing I've learnt... Now I need to figure out where to look, plan my next move and strut onward. I'm a survivor, I shall not falter. That I will believe.

Diary #1: Sighpiecry~

Disclaimer: The following will include:

1) Rants

2) Values

3) My life

4) Negativity

If any of the following irritates you, please stop yourself from moving on with this post. 

Also, this post has an approximate word count of 1.8 k words, approach with caution and lay off with any judgements, thank you.

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~                                                   WC was here on 21/10/13                                                                  ~
~

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21/10/2013: Thursday, 20:48, 

Sitting down in front of my computer, with my heart drifting away towards the abyss in my heart, I just seem to be helpless against the dark pull of the void present on my chest. It has been plaguing me for the past one to two weeks, almost every single night in fact. I admit to being very easily agitated as well as feeling horrid in terms of mood. I am still on my medication which is Lexapro, an anti-depressant. 

School started last Wednesday and I started with a new resolve. Obtaining a GPA of 2.72 was pretty horrible though deep down I know I deserved it. In fact, I think I deserved to get much lower. For the first semester, I have always been a sloth, not handing in many of my economics tutorial, not studying for my Food & Event Management module as well as never paying attention in tutorials and lectures. Accounting was also another module that I did not put in enough effort, at least not till the end. 

Despite being in poly for almost a whole semester last year before dropping out due to my inability to cope with both my studies and my internal struggles, I still did not learn my lesson. It is pretty funny that many of us, including my friends, all came in to poly with a very laid back and relaxed mindset and it sure became our bane. Accounting.. A subject that I never studied before, was one that my brains. Being a sissy-phobe, I became even more unmotivated with the module as the teacher would be swinging around like a tornado made of jelly. It didn't really make things better that he talks as if he was singing. However, I came to realize how big of a sissy-phobe I was and I felt bad. With this said, I am sorry for every insult I have said to the teacher. He is actually a pretty nice teacher. 

With the release of the results, I came to realize that:

 1) I am not going to make it to anywhere with this result. 

 2) This course is HARD.

 3) I need to work HARDER.

Henceforth, I told myself that this term onwards, I will change. I will be different. I will be a studious kid and be proactive in my learning.

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Before continuing, I feel like bringing up some things that my grand-aunt told me. Visiting her for the second time since this year even though her house is merely 5 blocks away, her hair was now growing white. It had been that way but this was the first time I saw her like that. She said that the fact that she is growing older and older each year is impossible to hide away from, might as well embrace her own body for what it is. She decided that, she no longer wish to dye her hair black. Let it grow white, be natural. For that, I really have to applaud her. Then as we continued our conversation, she showed me pictures of her younger son, my uncle who has migrated to Australia with his lovely and very beautiful wife and two boys, Aaron and Ashton, 4 years old and 9 months respectively. She then told me stories about how the elder one was being so cheeky despite being sick. I praised the kids for being so smart and my grandaunt told me, "You are then the smart and alert one." 

She began to tell me all the little things I would do when I was very young. All those things that she said, really made me believe that, "Hey, I ain't really that bad as a child after all."

She also kept emphasizing, "You know, if there is anyone who can do it, then it's you. You are a bright and nice child. Life is harsh and we got to move on, look forward, don't stress ourselves up too much. This is life and you are still young, with so much more ahead. I believe in my Wei Xun."

Yeap, that's my grandaunt right there, forever supportive of me, forever concerned bout me despite not being her actual grandchild. And she even shared with me values that she consider the most important as a human. In her younger days, she was given a choice to either stand up for the countless colleagues that she worked with who were retrenched, whom she promised to fight for their working rights versus a more selfish one whereby she would be rewarded with a bright and promising future at the expense of others.

"I would not be as stupid as how I am now if I had chosen the latter. But would I be at ease for my whole life if I chose that? My decision made me experience the wrath of standing up against evil. Things like being very poor and [things that are not appropriate to share]. I understand how it feels to be poor, how it feels to be unprivileged. But people have to go through such lessons in life, so take it easy. When I was young, I always believed in fighting for what I feel is right and just. Even if it offends the whole world. But if I see the meaning to your reasoning and that I am wrong, I will willingly apologize."

These are all values that I took home with me that day.

Well, it's getting long... and it's not that I don't want to talk about my grandpa but I'll leave that for another time since there is so much I want to share today.
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After my session with my grandaunt, I was even more determined to strive harder. Being in such a competitive country, being born in a family that loves me so much, gives me more reason for accomplishing what I am worth and able to accomplish.

I know I have the ability. This is not self-praising. I know that I am at least above average in terms of IQ and EQ but I can humbly say that I am not a star nor the cream of the crop. I am just slightly above average, and that's why I stand.

I know my weaknesses. In fact, I have so much weaknesses that it makes me so, so imperfect.

Phobias, I have loads of them. One of which that has been constantly plaguing me for the past few months is my social life. It is funny to see how my social circle is transitioning slowly. At the start of the year, I had so much online friends. So much happenings happening online that I look forward so much each day to get on to my computer to chat with three to five people at the same time. Those times...

Then... Things started to change somehow. People moved on with their lives, so did I. Our path that initially crossed has now come to a split road and one by one, they all drifted further and further away from me. Lonely... That's what began to overwhelm me. It started off mild, creeping in over time and eventually forming a heavy cloud of shadows circling my chest, swarming around and creating such a negative effect on me that it became physical. As of now, my virtual life is almost close to non-existent. Facebook, something that I used to receive much attention from, now became quiet as a cemetery. No longer people say hi, nor do I bother to do so. Why? Because it always starts with a hi and forms an awkward silence right after the next few lines. It feels horrible. It really does. Then, even on the gaming platform, it's starting to become deadly quiet too. Online gaming buddies are now with their own friends. In fact, I no longer feel joy while gaming, perhaps only once in a while. In real life, the most precious friends I have are all busy. Busy with studies and also leading their lives. Once again, lonely is the word.

Loneliness hurts.
It really does.
It hurts so bad that there are tears flowing underneath, in me. Tears that can't come out.
Pain from the inside that you wish to release but just can't.

Why can't I cry?
Why am I so weak that I can't even cry?
This weakness is making it so unbearable. So miserable.
It made me desperate. I needed to feel pain, physical pain, to force the emotions out of my body. To give myself, my body a reason to cry. But I won't do it. I promised people and myself never to harm nor think of harming myself.

It burns.

Then...

My body. I hate it so much. I am ugly. Ugly in all physical ways. I hate to see myself in the mirror when I am outside. It makes me feel so, vulnerable, exposed, naked, disgusting. I am fat, unfit(physical and mental) nor good looking.

Without this body, perhaps with a lean body, I would and might have been so much more different. If I can get my body into a better shape, I would be such a confident speaker. In fact, I am a pretty loud speaker as of now. This need for a good impression and image is killing me, slice by slice from the inside.

Why do I have hots over hot guys?
1) I am horny
2) I am gay
3) I am jealous.

Each time I walk past a hot guy, there are a few things in my head.
1) He is so freaking hot.
2) If only I knew someone so hot
3) If only my BF would be so hot
4) If only I am hot

Guess what? 4) is the killer. Each time a hot guy appears, my confidence level drops by folds. Why am I like this?


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Know what... It's now 22:10. I've sat here for roughly one and a half hours typing out my feelings and I am not even near done. So much things brewing in me... Even if I post it on facebook, who would read this? A boring long story about a fat kid who is trying to change. A kid who is stuck in the circle of negativity. A kid who is so insecure about him and everything and everyone around him. Perhaps, I do need a hug. Perhaps, it's time to cry. Perhaps, both might not happen.

Ending it here for now. Diary #2 would be coming up real soon if I am free.
Gratx for making it so far. Amazing that I can write something so long. I am really impressed by myself.

And the fact that I was supposed to be doing recapping of today's lessons, I guess that will be stored for another day. Venting out some of my emotions on this platform really does help.

Also... Thanks to one special bro, L, who up to now still bothers to keep in touch with this negative being. Thank you so so much... <3 in the most no-homo way. Really...

The countdown, restarts again~

The horrific realization that since secondary two, I've been sinking into major depression at each mid year.
Sec 2: The Stabbing Love Triangle
Sec 3: The Math teacher from Hell
Sec 4: The Love Sin
Post Sec 4: The Inner Demon
Now: The Guilt and the Demon ?
It's fast approaching...
Guilt of everything, every small thing, is eating into me since weeks ago. I'm just lying to myself that it's ok, because in the end, I am NEVER ok. Been proven wrong too many times. Each time I think I'm stronger, I sink back in deeper.
Every single thing. Each wrong word I say, cuts back into my heart with twice the pain. Each stupid thing I do stabs me with twice the force.

I've been feeling so guilty. I don't dare to have fun with my classmates cause I'm too scared. I don't dare to mix with them because they're too nice. Perhaps I feel that I'm too unworthy of them. Perhaps I ain't giving myself a chance.

Do you even understand how scary it feels to have an anxiety/panic attack? The fear is so strong. You'll feel suspicious of your surroundings, you'll feel fear.
The fear doesn't seem to fade even though you know there's no reason to be afraid. It harps on your chest and mind like a shroud of darkness wrapping the night.
YOU THINK IT'S JUST, STAY STRONG, LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, DUN WORRY SO MUCH, IT'S OK.
YOU THINK IT'S SO FUCKING SIMPLE? TRY BEING THE ONE WITH ANXIETY. The one that hallucinates a second life each morning. The one that suffers from nightmares and dreams that are totally realistic. Feel the pain, the emotions in your dreams.

So what if I have a good family?
So what if everyone loves me?
I'm the issue, the problem. I can have everything, but I just wanna destroy myself.
It's such a vicious cycle I can't stop...
You think it's not painful for me?

I feel the smile coming out again recently.
I feel it seeping out.
I know it's a self-defense mechanism.
But when "he" comes out, it's just plain sickening.
Every time "he" comes out, "he" wants to see pain.
"he" wants to feel pain. To fuel that Maniac Drive.
So easy, to give in to the sadistic flow.
So easy...

So tempting.

Realized how they who I see each week don't even bother taking notice of me. Perhaps they realized how emo and pathetic this dude is. How cold I can get. How much negative energy surrounds me. So much so that even though I'm feeling much more cheerful than before, they still ignore my presence haha... But I got over it already. I've already accepted that me and them just wouldn't have anything in common.

Then I realized, at home, I'm a nuisance to my dad haha... I talk to him so much that he basically tunes out much of the things I tell him.

In the end, I realized that, I'm so much of a perfectionist that I can't live by my own standard. I'm not willing to accept rejection. Instead of being rejected directly, I rather let myself do the rejection so as to "protect" myself. Keep some fucking useless pride and make believe that I'm fine.

I already know what my dream is telling me. It's exactly what my conscience is telling me. I'm just not doing it.

"Cherish your friends and your loved ones, before they disappear."

I only know that what I'm doing now is that I'm building my own demise and my own grave. I'm gathering all the negative energy and storing them up, just like all those times before. I'm gonna erupt in a violent display of fireworks. I'm already been doing what I do best, Shutting people who I care about and who care about me off. I've been subconsciously drifting away and away from everyone who cares. The countdown has already starting ticking. Time to see if the bomb would be defused in time.

Good luck to you, may you stay strong enough to fight against the blinding darkness of despair and self-destruction.








If you die, you deserve it.

Let the sleep envelope me.

BEST DAY EVER!!!!!! I LOVE MY CLASSMATES!!!!!!

CAME OUT TO MY CLASS!!!!!!! <3

first guy: Whether he gay or straight or watever, we still love him just the way he is, A brother. Which he can feel comfortable with us!

second girl: It's ok! I dun mind him being gay at all! We are all classmates and I will definitely accept him for who he is! Dun worry. You can tell usif u're feeling upset or anything ok? Dont worry, u're fine!

third girl: Just wanna say, it doesn't matter if u like the same gender as urself or watever! u're still part of us! I love ur courage that u admit but honestly it doesn't matter! So just study hard and dun forget we're a big family always here for you!

fourth guy: Bro, personally for me, I dun care what u are, Gay is quite normal? I guess? I mean u don't deserve to be treated differently. Just stick with us, as a class. People that judge you for this is those who are immature. So dun worry bout that. Speak up! U said u had depression? So it;s better if u talk to ppl! All the best bro!

fifth girl: Dun worry, u dun have to be ashamed! We'll be together with u as a class. Gay/str8/lesb, still human. Society is slowly accepting it right? Dun have to feel sorry for it coz u're u! Always rmb to live for urself alright? We'll always support u! Hope to noe u better too!

sixth girl: Dun be depressed! We'll accept u the way u are! Whether u gay or not, u'll still our fren!

seventh girl: OMG! Dun worry alex! I myself have gay friends and i dun discriminate them! And I admire ur courage for confessing to us u're gay! We'll accept u for who u are, so dun worry! I can introduce u to my gay frens!

eighth girl: I just wanna tell u that's nothing wrong with being a gay. U're born tis way. So love urself ok! We do not have discriminations against gays! Actually I appreciate u for telling us this! In fact, I have a very good fren who is a lesb but we are stil good frens so u'll definitely be accepted by us! You're still our frens and classmates no matter what!

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NEVER FELT SO HAPPY BEFORE OMFG!!!!!! I REALLY HAVE THE BEST CLASS EVER!!!!!!! <3
I love how everyone got my number and texted me personally! It's really the greatest thing that happened! Better than getting my PSLE results when I had straight As. Better than everything! The feeling of being accepted, just happiness!

Thank you, everyone GMH! <3

The new start!

School life starts~

J...

I better as hell not fault for that guy... The are all probably straight, probably........ Even if he not straight also won't be interested in me. But he's so cool... When I came in late for class, he asked me to sit beside him. Well, the guys in my class all are nice... Maybe for one or two that I don't like as much, the rest are pretty much awesome!!! Everyone's so bonded and yet they happily asked bout me and most introduced themselves to me. So happy... Probably the best birthday present I ever need, a class of nice people ♥ 

Back to him, sighhhhh... I have a bad feeling that it's gonna be very easy for me to fall for him. Looks itself, he's quite good I guess. His face may not be the best but it's still above average~ He's tall, thin, nice, friendly, tanned and has a nice voice. Aiyo... Sien lehhhhh... Hope he's not straight XD 
Only hope I have would be that during our free time at the canteen, while waiting for friends in the very packed place, he was said something bout, "I like crowded places, looking at guy and gals." Then he corrected himself, saying girls...

*Fantasy time*
Maybe deep down he is bi and that's why he said guys and girls from a slip of his tongue...
Maybe he's secretly gay and that's why he said guys... And he said girls coz it was a social norm for guys to talk bout girls... So upon realization that he said it wrongly, he chose to say guys.

Fantasies. Never come true haha~ But if I ever get closer to him, I'm gonna come out to him first. I hope he'll accept me as a friends still~
Meanwhile, the other hot guy in class(more like cute hot type) is attached to a gf~ Well, not like I'm ever gonna be close to him anyways. He's my group mate for a project and he's cute~ Haha...

But most guys probably are... sienn... But like I said, even if they are gay, they also won't fall for me. I might sound fun and things like that online but who knows bout how I am in real life... Now I think about it, if I ever have a good body shape, will I still be like this? I hope I won't, that's for sure. I aspire to be like them. And maybe with the warmth from them, this seedling might grow. I need to be more insecure, care nothing bout my appearance towards people, who would probably not even care.

I should pressure my dad bout a new phone coz everyone in class is connecting via whatsapp so... Haha, he'll be the one to inform me bout class stuff from whatsapp~ Yayyyyyy~ LOL! He probably is the guy that lives closest to me too~ Aiyo... Smack myself. Stop wishing.

This probably should go to my stupid blog. Off it goes!
I guess, best birthday present EVER!
PS: So many hunks and good looking dude. Saw A LOT SIA!!!!!!!!! Plus saw one super cute and hot dude with damn nice eyes!!!!!! Goshhhh... Jealous max~

Overview of my life. Short version

My Story
 I've been a quiet shy type of kind since primary school and didn't thought of any thing. It was just about trying to enjoy life and stuff. I was the quiet yet rebellious type of kid, never did homework since primary 1. Got caned, got scolded and stuff. That was ok. I couldn't make friends. Each best friend I had left me within 1 to 2 year for no reasons. They just dunno me. Then I had my first crush at bout sec 1. Every time on the way to sch I'll see this emo cute boy who was probably 2 year older than me. Never knew his name. Influenced me that it is ok to be emo and alone. At sec 2, got backstabbed by my two best friends and shit. Became suicidal. Didn't care bout the future. Didn't care bout weight and stuff. Went from 60+ to 80+ from then to now. 3~4 years. I didn't want to live. Hated myself for being gay. Hyperventilated shit, studies went haywire too... As a guy from shooting club, I even plotted to march up to the range to take the pistol to kill that science teacher that picked on me damn hard. Developed depression. I became fatter. Hated myself even more. Became super low esteem(not that I've actually been of a person of normal confidence.) Sec 3 I met this guy who we clicked instantly and became super good friends. Told him I was gay at sec 4 and he said it's ok as I didn't fall for him. Then I did... Then I got crushed as I forced myself to distance away from him totally. Became depressed once again. Horrible period. During then, also started to put on weight once more. Then graduated from secondary. Went to poly, chose the wrong course(drawing course), couldn't cope, no friends. Creativity died from depression. Opted out when I seek mental help. Was super suicidal. I should have died back... Lucky I knew I couldn't give up. My self image as a fat gay dude made it worse. But I survived. As I get treatment and medication, saw the world in a brighter light, I finally got the courage to live. To cherish live and no longer talk about killing myself. It's finally about goals. And now, I'm very resolved in losing weight. I believe if you get out of your misery cycle, anything can happen  I know I have a potential cute face so I'm gonna train and lose weight to maximise my own physical potential! Kudos to all the chubby people! Be happy and from then you'll be able to set yourself free from the imposed self-image depreciation!

Burden of the past:The first step to a new start.

The burden of the past: The first step

My first and unreciprocated love and the destruction left in it's wake.

Hey, I'm not even sure if you ever go on to facebook but there's just something I like to talk to you about. It's more like a confession/apology. Let me start from the beginning.

So at Secondary 3, I was amazed at how fast we managed to click. You were always talking about those random shits and at first I didn't trust you. Slowly, as time progressed, we hang out more, did more stuff together, ate together and things like that. And I got closer to you. Then I started to feel more secure about you. Yet there was something that didn't feel right. I felt that you were insecure. You never talk about yourself, your life, your goals and your family. As time progressed further, you became my best friend and best buddy. And I value best friends, especially guy friendship a lot. That's because I'm not like the other normal guys, I'm not as proactive them, I'm more gentler and probably more serious. I can't click with them.
So things were going well between us, then it was when I decided to tell you about my sexuality, which at that time, I was very very insecure about. You could see me getting nervous each time ZY asked if I was gay or things like that. Thanks for not revealing back then. The issue started with this, not sure if you remembered.

When I told you I was gay, there was one thing I promised you. "Never fall for you." At that time, I was like, "Geezzzz.... Why the hell would I fall for you, I mean you are like my best friends and things."
But as I continued to hang around you, something within me changed. It was, if you call it, natural. I didn't even realize it. I started becoming more possessive. When ZY came into the picture and started hanging around you even more, it got worse. I was plain jealous. Jealous that you guys are spending so much time together. Jealous that my best friends was getting stolen. Little did I know that I had already fell for you. Slowly, I begun to realize what was happening. It got quite bad, to the extend that I got distracted and my emotions were running wild. I couldn't get rid of the feelings. I wanted to get closer to you and you know, become possessive. I knew it wasn't right. It was totally wrong. It was a forbidden fruit that was never meant to be within my reach. Falling for a straight guy is bad. Falling for your best friend, even worse. And I can say, it wasn't just plain crushes. It was strong. That was when I started spiraling out of control. I decided, dumbly and foolishly, to keep myself away, hoping that by staying clear of you for a while, it would make things better. It didn't. It got worse. Far worse. Hence, I did something even worse. I forced myself into hating you. Believing that by channeling all the negative energy into a reason to not be near you, I would be able to get away from you. It was selfish. But I was a coward. I didn't dare to face you. I started to withdraw myself away from you, and I know that you noticed it. Even my friends, Jas and Wanling were chiding me for being a jerk and leaving you alone and ignoring you. But I was in such pain. The amount of negative emotions I harnessed at that period of time, the amount of anger and frustration was the greatest I've ever felt in my life. And it never subsided. Everyone noticed that SR and WC weren't hanging out together, no one asked why. I heard that you were abit lonely too. I'm really sorry. If you forgotten about it, just listen to what I gotta say.

I fell for you, I made a mistake. I couldn't stop myself so I withdrew from my desires. I went crazy. I sunk into a depression during that time and you know what, it never end there. After O's, I was still thinking of you, subconsciously. I know this is freaky to hear but it's the truth. I started to regret. All my best guy friendships NEVER lasted for more than 2 year. It happened again, not because it was my friend's fault. This time, I single-handedly destroyed it because of my selfishness and i didn't even manage to get a goodbye nor a proper explanation to you. And yes, even a year after the incident, my mind was still on you and on the foolishness of my actions. Time managed to heal me. I got over you. That was mid of last year. I paid the price for my feelings and actions. I lost a best friend. I got into depression. Clinical depression btw. I withdrew from myself. Had many horrible nightmares that chided my actions. And also an extremely strong guilt and regret embedded into my life and memory. I just wanna sincerely apologize to you for all the things that I may have caused to you. Even if there wasn't, I just want you to know I'm sorry for being such a jerk and a lousy friend. I'll be glad if you could reply but dun worry too much. Also, if you wanna scold me or something, feel free to. I really need to let go of this and move on. And only by addressing the issue I ran away from 2 years ago, can I be able to move on. Thanks for spending time to read this. Also, good luck in your future endeavor. It was really nice having you as a friend. A best friend.

From: Wei Chin, the coward who left things unsaid.